helmets are hot, hand signals hotter

2011-07-02T14:23:00.002+10:00

Kayley Ashworth - Superstar bmx EDIT from JC Pieri on Vimeo.

a hard act to follow

2010-09-10T13:25:00.000+10:00

moving electronic house to www.helmetsarehot.net

2010-01-11T13:29:00.003+11:00

Is like moving house for real.

For ages, you're looking around for the perfect place. You dream up a tiny cottage by the beach with a huge, ocean view and long stretches of road with hardly any traffic. You think you'll find something in your price range and that it'll come up just about the time you're going to be ready. You start getting ahead of yourself and picking out the drapes for your new place and wondering if you should put the hammock in the dappled sun or the dappled sun.

Eventually, however, reality kicks in. You look at your bank account and wonder in fact if you couldn't just stay in the old place a little longer. And by the time your lease totally runs out, you realise you've been to sixteen open houses and you're about to start settling for the rented back room in someone else's Craigieburn Mc Mansion.

Similar things are happening here in this blog - I am, after some long consideration, moving away from Blogger and trying to upgrade life in helmet-land to WordPress. This is, for my skill set at least, equivalent to not only moving house but deciding to rebuild your newly purchased "renovator's dream" with negligible carpentary know-how.

So, the house is a mess, half the floor is ripped up and I'm about to have dinner on an upturned cardboard box table but you are totally invited over to see my new home:

www.helmetsarehot.net

BYO overalls.

merry christmas

2009-12-24T12:03:00.003+11:00

If only they made sparkle helmets.

Stay safe. And I'll see you in the new year.

I don't remember why

2009-12-21T20:57:00.003+11:00

I saved this photo. Or what I was intending to say about it. I cannot even really remember if I "like" this photo. Or if I was just thinking Cinelli had this moment sometime in 1981 when they thought "let's match our bikes with jockstrap helmets". I only remember that I was saving it for no particular day for no particular reason.

Today is that day.

pożegnanie

2009-12-20T15:10:00.001+11:00

Whenever I have been lucky enough to visit Vanuatu, I have always found their casual Franco-tinged farewell, "Allez Tata", to be such a lovely, gentle way to say goodbye. But somehow the Polish seems more appropriate.

Because sometimes - nah, many a time - you've gotta watch people leave your life. I didn't know you long, and I didn't know you well but whatever the circumstances I have to take my hat off to one fierce rider: Sabrina - helmet or no helmet, you're an inimitable woman. Ride safe, wherever you go.

(Image from the equally inimitable Andy White. Who makes everything on a bike look purdy. Don't fear that my photography has improved. It hasn't. I wait for the day when I will have a talented ninja-photographer sidekick who will ride along with me in my bike sidecar and he will take photos of you all riding your little bikes and making your little handsignals and I will just wave regally as we pass by.)

the mysterious pickle

2009-12-19T19:47:00.003+11:00

Like, is her name really Pickle? Does she ever laugh when she gets into one? Or does she giggle triumphantly when she gets out of one? Does she remove them from her Big Mac? Has she read The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle? Can she explain to me why this whole post is underlined and if I should just kill blogger and move on with my life?

snug as a bug in a

2009-12-18T09:52:00.001+11:00

God damn my internet is slow today. This photo alone has taken so long to load, I've changed my mind three times about what I wanted to say and I've had to reduce the size of the file twice and possibly it'll look really crappy and annoying. And now I don't know which end is up.

Basically, it's been 39 degrees today and I've done three bouts of public transport with many an armpit in my face (presumably why I don't take public transport as a first preference in summer) which is making both me and my internet connection work about as happily as a striking postal worker. Watching Stacey/Laura cruise in the shimmery afternoon past made me remember even more potently why I prefer my bike.

So here tis.

A lady, with a great smile and a snowboarding helmet (I'm presuming) on, riding down the middle of Swanston St. Excuse the glare. Dammit she'd have been hot today, but come winter, who'd be laughing then. In addition to my motorcycle helmet envy, I also believe that snowboarding helmets have a considerably better range than bike helmets. That said, I suck at snow, so there's little risk of my branching out come next ski season.

summer is a-coming

2009-12-17T06:35:00.001+11:00

Which is why I somehow approve of eating fish and chips while riding your bike.

Of course it's a silly idea. Of course your helmet is not done up properly and when you fall over your brains are going to leak out your ears. And of course it'll tick off drivers coming along up side of you and wondering who the frick is riding their bike with no hands and eating fish and chips.

But dammit, if it just doesn't feel like summer. I promise, I'll never blog while tipsy again and this sort of thing won't happen. But for today, I feel the sun on my skin and I say, "cancer, bah!" and I feel the wind on my face and say, "climate change, who cares?" and I look at the bitumen below me and say, "that looks like a licorice pillow".

And my god, I don't have heat stroke, do I?

sweet danishes

2009-12-15T17:53:00.006+11:00

I met these two lovely ladies last week.

Let us say, for a moment, that they are Danish. I believe that they were in fact Danish because I remember wondering if I should tell them that I recently saw Ms Susan Shine*, the Danish Ambassador, ironically at a torch lighting ceremony. I can't think I would have thought to tell them this fact if they were Dutch or even Deutsch, so I can only conclude that my memory serves me correctly and that these ladies are Danishes. It's been a while between posts, folks, but I believe I have all my marbles.

And I say that they are sweet because, after a few minutes of awkward conversation** they agreed to model in their borrowed helmets and even offered some gems of advice like, "these helmets are far too big, make sure your helmets fit" (imagine your own cute accent). Because these are not in fact the helmets that belong to these ladies. These ladies are far too friendly and northern-euro-summer-travel-relaxo-hot to be wearing these totally out of the box helmets. And the fine lady in the blue even acknowledged that the old, sans-cover eski lid is a fashion faux pas.

So, if I were the helmet fairy (and perhaps I am... perhaps I am), I would bestow upon the kind lady to the left, a Giro Prolight, which would hardly feel like anything on her cute as a button head. She would feel sports-tactular. Perhaps I would stay with the somewhat clinical white and silver. But, what can I say, I'm a classic kind of girl. And I would feel warm and fuzzy. And she would feel almost nothing at all, just the wind in her hair.
And for her friend, a Nutcase Multi-Sport Spot Special. Because sometimes it's good to remember bright colours. To think of Hungry Hungry Hippos and to know that that was a game that required no skill, just hunger. And that smarties are good fun. And that Connect Four rocks out and that Twister is for tuffsters. And that no one messes with polkadots.

*As a random aside, Ms Shine was attending the Asia Pacific Breakthrough Summit, a rather amazing gathering of people from the other half of my life. I so rarely ask this half to collide with helmet lady, so I make note of it for accuracy's sake only and provide the link for the curious at heart.)

** Believe me, it's totally awkward when I say, "sorry, could I take a photo of you in your helmet?"
I can't believe I've started this insane endeavour where I have to talk to strangers. I hate talking to strangers.

I know I don't even need to tell you

2009-12-08T09:17:00.002+11:00

Why this is wrong.

it's been a long day...

2009-12-06T20:04:00.004+11:00

Full of sunshine and summer. And I'm utterly shattered. Riding back from a day's hard labour (well, not really) at the Rose St Market, we popped past the supermarket that knows no order only to run into this fiesty lass with pumping guns who kindly agreed to model the helmet we all wish we were wearing on mornings when you get doored by some crazy on their mobile phone. Pow! Pow!

out of the blue

2009-12-05T21:11:00.000+11:00

Sometimes you'll just be standing on some nowhere nohow kind of corner and a cute girl with shiny red round glasses and shiny black round helmet and kind of late eighties Springsteen t-shirt with teeny tatt and just casual smile is going to ride past and it'll be like the suburbs melt away and you're on the set of Kevin Bacon's Quicksilver. Well, possibly not exactly like that, but it's a hell of a film anyways. And worth reminding you of its dated glory. Just in case you're worried you invented cool.

remember your first day of school?

2009-12-03T15:58:00.001+11:00

How your folks let you (made you) have a photo taken on your front porch? And you looked really proud and ready and sweetly dorky? To relieve said moment of nostalgia, all you need do is purchase a new folding bike. Apparently they're not much chop on the hills, but dammit if they dont just pop in the back of your boot, saving you all the trouble of having to push the thing for miles when the back tire goes flat. Efficient is excellent. I am old enough to recognise that it goes a damn sight further than pretty, any day.

all I want for christmas

2009-12-01T16:11:00.002+11:00

Is my two front teeth to get straightened, on someone else's credit card. Actually no. I'd settle for a few nice fellas who are cute in their headwear. I know you're shy, boys, but don't be. There's nothing wrong with having a nice helmet on. I won't make you do nothing crazy for the camera's, just stand there and smile a bit for the ladies at home. Otherwise, I'm suffering a serious gender imbalance. Honestly, for every girl I spy riding home looking "super sweet" I see another five fellows looking like their helmet has been rotting away in the back of the garage with rats and 'roaches eating it before they decided to put it on their head. Gross. Do like this fellow does. Get a nice plain helmet that matches your glasses and don't be afraid of clean clothes.

wouldn't it be good?

2009-12-01T15:43:00.002+11:00

If you were a signwriter? Then your helmet could just get a little sparkle any time it felt it needed it, and you wouldn't need to be all bling about it, you'd just knock something up a little special in no time, just a little mirror finish flare to let people know you hadn't fallen asleep at the fashion handlebars.

how do you feel

2009-11-24T17:55:00.004+11:00

When you get tweedy?
My friend, you will feel really speedy

Your legs will spin, your eyes will twinkle

Your wheels will roll, your bell will tinkle.

The lights will always be so green

Because you are a tweed machine.

No door will "ope" into your path

As you pass by in tweeded scarf.

Your figure will be so refined

That all will find you just divine -

So - see you at the Li-ber-rary

Don't be afraid! We are not scary!

We only have one want, one need,

We have the need, the need for tweed.

Melbourne 2009, Bike Film Festival Tweed Run

Sunday 29 November meeting at the State Library Steps at 12 noon, taking a scenic tour around Melbourne (visiting the Bike Polo) and then finishing up at the B.est F.riends F.orever Street Party in Collingwood.

(photocredit: Peter Tsipas, Ambiguous Horse Flickr)

loathe as I am

2009-11-24T08:14:00.004+11:00

To caption random photos in the terribly fantastic women's weekly style, but I do believe that these shots are ideal candidates for the caption, "my helmets faster than yours". Course, I do believe that's why they're at the UCI Track World Cup, and I'm congratulating myself on the occasional morning ride to Williamstown. Power to you. Nice matching but.

my nanna always said

2009-11-20T07:42:00.003+11:00

Never be afraid to match.

It was one of her many fashion philosophies. One that I have most passionately supported throughout my life. I believe my Nanna would have most certainly approved of this young lady.

Fitted out rather demurely in a grey marle wool dress, with a simple black belt matching opaque hosiery, a light grey-marle pattern helmet in a very simple shape with grey plastic jelly bellies adding just a touch of humour, she is rolling out both fearless and classic.

Incidentally, however, this helmet is soon to go the way of the dodo as - by its owner's admission - it was made some twenty plus years ago and is almost certainly no longer as safe as it once was. It should also probably be adjusted a little differently as, well, basically, if she comes off and face plants she could probably sustain a fair amount of front lobal damage, notwithstanding the presence of the terribly fetching grey lid. Though I promised myself I wouldn't crap on about such boring things as cracked heads and acquired brain injury.

So let's just say, nice matching.

summer's orange haze

2009-11-20T07:39:00.002+11:00

Though the absolute drenching rain of today and yesterday is no measure of it, Melbourne has been experiencing some particularly warm days and evenings of late. For my mind, the heated, humid afterglow of evening is one of the nicest times to go riding. You're probably still a bit sweaty, but the scorching sun has dipped and you're left with nothing but the thick air and the opportunity to go flying through the biscuit-bake heat, hoping that your house has somehow kept its cool.

People are also generally in a much better mood in warmer weather. They're in less of a hurry. They don't have to get to dinner on time. In fact, they're probably late already, but they don't mind pulling over for some random strangers and they're happy to talk helmets, and they have one of those cute hat/helmet hybrids that - for my mind - seem like they'd be really hot to wear both from a temperature perspective and a fashion complementarity. They're friendly, and have a genuinely warm smile that makes you could feel like you could ask them for directions, or how to use the ticket machine on the tram, or which way to the beach.

this is how happy you look

2009-11-20T07:35:00.002+11:00

When you get a new helmet which is rad hot pink matches your t-shirt won't boil your brain and makes you feel G&S catlike goodness.

I believe that you are a total hottie

2009-11-19T17:24:00.003+11:00

I believe that you have a really cute fringe and a very sweet smile and a tendency to wait for pedestrians to finish crossing. Let's meet up and swap jokes about Goonies. I like to believe these things, but don't really care if they're true.

adam, please meet...

2009-11-16T17:20:00.007+11:00

The first time I saw Genevieve, I was struck by the delicious contrast of this spunky, pixie-ish slip of a woman who was un-chaining a very lady-like pink bike (think sweet sherbet rattler with handle bar tassels and spokey-dokeys) while strapping on this shiny black helmet with pimp-gold "Notorious E.V.E" detailing. Like teaming army boots with broderie anglaise. Genevieve was one of the first people I approached about my helmet problem/thing and she was remarkably encouraging. She even mentioned that a couple of fellows at Ray's had, in fact, very recently held a customised bike/skate helmet exhibition. I was too shy to take her photograph then. And again too shy when I ventured into the coffee den to ask the boys about their helmets, but the seed had been sown.

Now that I've met Genevieve a couple more times, I know that this is exactly the sort of fabulous contradictory vibe that you get from her. Fitted out here with the retro sunglasses and the "yo mama" hoops, I feel this helmet is getting its proper dues for sure.

you could be forgiven

2009-11-13T12:40:00.004+11:00

For thinking that this is an easy endeavour.

That I could just park myself somewhere in the middle of a busy commuter road and find myself the cyling sartorial splendour that is a fine man/lady on a fine bike, wearing a fine helmet.

You'd be wrong though.

Commuter o'clock is ugly.

And nobody's stopping for a short girl waving her arms, saying "excuse me - could I just take a photo of your helmet?"

Nobody.

I feel the need, the need for tweed

2009-11-11T09:27:00.006+11:00

Tonight is the opening of the very wonderful Bike Film Festival, organised so ably by the very wonderful folk at Ambiguous Horse. Check out the program and find something pleasing. Shouldn't be too hard.

If you like bikes and you like films then this is your match made in heaven. Your Romeo to your Juliet. Your Arthur to your Guinevere. Your Brad to your Angelina. I'll be there. It'd be nice to see you.

And if you felt like looking the goods, you might want to take your lead from these willing wheelies (me included) who gave of their time to support the upcoming Tweed Run (29 Nov, 1pm leaving from the State Library).

Among them is Mick. Always friendly, frequently impeccably dressed, Mick also produces some damn fine bike wear. In case your treadly gets jealous of your helmet, then you are able to compensate with a beautifully detailed leather saddle, great grips and ever-evolving toe straps. All in matching leather.

Thanks also to Peter for taking these shots and for generally making the devoted tweedsters feel like war-time supermodels, despite the 30 degree plus heat - look out for them in the BFF promos! Or if you're not able to come to tonight's festival launch, then perhaps you could check out his photography at the New North Gallery this evening. Who said cyclists don't know culture?

summer makes me smushy happy

2009-11-11T09:13:00.006+11:00

Okay, so I know it's technically Spring, but after so many consecutive days in the hot hot hot mode, I feel I'm justified in getting a bit happy about the sunshine... and worried about my vegetable patch.

In this kind of weather, when things are just feeling good, I feel good and I think how nice it is to see people riding their bikes with the sunshine coming down from behind the city, not too many bugs yet and a few more miles to go before home.

Like this lady, she just has a nice smile, doesn't she? Just friendly and open. Not in a hurry and shoving you from the bike lane to get past. Seems like if you were riding beside her on the road, you'd just feel pretty happy because probably you were on your way to the shops for Zooper Doopers or something rad like that.

Choice.

fix up look sharp

2009-11-09T11:10:00.001+11:00

Fix Up Look Sharp Alleycat from Liam Prescott on Vimeo.

Thanks very much to him for taking the humble helmet cam view forward, to the stars!

And I see what he meant about him choosing the music. Doubtful that I would have chosen this particular track. Tee hee.

I'll give you double trouble

2009-11-07T23:04:00.003+11:00

When I was a little tacker and my bike had pink tassels on the handlebars and plastic daisys on its white basket and spokey dokeys, there was an advertisement on the television, with kids in primary coloured t-shirts, who had neat fringes and "wow mom" expressions. Now, I can barely remember the purpose of the game, or much beyond the fact that there was some sort of plastic bubble that you pushed down to make the dice roll. Or maybe that was Boggle. Nah, that's letters in a plastic dome. Could have been Hungry Hungry Hippos. There was pushing in that one, wasn't there? Though in my family we'd had to replace the little white balls with Kool Mints after they all rolled under the mysterious corners of the random pieces of furniture. Sometimes if we were lucky, we got Kool Fruits.

But I digress.

The point is, at some point in this advertisement from way back in the day, one of the little kids said, "I'll give you double trouble" in a really high-pitched, irritating voice. And it's kind of stuck with me until now.

Again, I'm not sure why this story started, or where it's going.

The point is, it's not every day you run into two men in matching clothes, on matching bikes, with cute baskets and matching helmets.

So what if they were advertising some sort of beer? I'll have forgotten all about that later.

(Naturally, while I was downing said Kronenburg (sp?) in said sun dappled bar watching the ladies collect after the Spring Carnival, I can't say I was complaining.)

if you are lady and you like to leisure

2009-11-06T13:57:00.003+11:00

You should get your goods to the Edinburgh Garden this Sunday at 1.00pm for the Ladies Who Leisure ride.

Then you'll feel nice and look good. Just like this lady.

I am one of those people

2009-11-05T06:38:00.002+11:00

Who doesn't find this song annoying. I even let my boyfriend sing along. And as a singer, he's a really great cyclist.

Maybe this is why I love this helmet so much?

I don't know for sure, but there's something semi-chipmunk, semi-Star Wars, semi-my dad's seventies Honda Civic, semi-Christmas comes but once a year, semi-yeah right lights in the helmet righteous about this lid.

*PS if you actually followed that youtube link and listened 'til the end, I'll bet you're thinking WTF too. What a way to desecrate Alvin's good name.

hello dolly!

2009-11-04T09:27:00.000+11:00

So, I've been remembering, happiness is in the doing, not the thinking about doing. Every time I see Alice, I remember that. She is always really "up", really into whatever the hell is going on. A

this little piggy went riding

2009-11-03T08:41:00.000+11:00

I won't give you too much excessive excitement around the Halloween ride, but I post this to expose some deep, internal inconsistencies. Because I love this helmet. The sticky taped ears, the totally pink scariness (and team Pigs came in just ahead of Dorothy and I, basterds), and the what-the bow tie.

And yet, I hated those dinosaurs stuck on helmets for Team Mega Sore-Arse.

Clearly, I'm prepared to play favourites for people I likes.

sally cat

2009-11-02T11:03:00.004+11:00

Now, from time to time you're going to see some repeat offenders. I mean, the bike scene's not that big and I have to go to work and stuff, so I can't always been out in the boondocks with my hot-o-meter at the ready looking for new and unusual safety pin-ups. As the weather improves and I find more time, I'll endeavour to see what Heidelberg has to offer.

In the mean time, let's reflect on last Friday's shenanigans - Melbourne's first all-girl alley cat, Death Becomes Her.

Kindly organised by the lovely Zoe, almost fully recovered from her recent dooring, and well supported by a range of sponsors, the event brought out a great turn out of Melbourne's cycling vixens, many of whom were dressed to impress and all of whom were ready for a ride.

Because I'm shamelessly parochial, I'm going start this off with Sally, who has previously demonstrated that we could/should wear helmets in France, and was also coincidentally my partner. Not only was she extremely good-tempered about my demands that she come as Dorothy so that I could finally use my broom, but she can stuff a good cupcake, and she too knows how hot the wig/helmet combination can get.

We thank the academy for their kind (joint) award of best costume.

And ta heaps to Pony Bikes for hosting the party afterwards.

a climate for change...

2009-10-31T21:04:00.006+11:00

One fine Saturday, not so very long ago, a good couple hundred happy pushies got themselves a bit of traffic messy in order to gather together and form a human 350 to call on the Australian Government and politicians from other nation states for substantial CO2 emission reduction targets. Some of 'em were quite cute too. I pop these folks in my ethical spunks folder. Enjoy.

So what have we got here?

Under that fine four leaf clover, is a little detail at the back that says, "I love my brain". And your brain loves you too, man...
A mini-seventies spectacular. This lady, and I hope she doesn't mind me saying it, was relatively petite. Like, super short. Like I'm pretty short and even I felt a teeny bit tall next to her. But instead of being all cringey, short-arse about it, she just nabs herself this lovely little step through, teams it with a classic white lid, and proceeds to look like she could have burst from a seventies Big M commercial. Stylish.
A sleek saddle club experience. Right now, despite my keen awareness that there is no breathability in helmets like this, I just really love the smoothness, the non-branded simplicity and somehow equestrian elegance of helmets like this. And her little yellow bike brooch.
Powerful matching. That little bike on her jean shorts is hand-embroidered. That's how far people are willing to go for a sustainable environment.
Some sunshine smiling. God damn the ride was slow, but you could always meet a few nice people on your way.

happy halloween!

2009-10-31T14:24:00.003+11:00

It's too sunny by half today. I have to go for a swim!

Until then, be ghouled to each other.

yo! brooklyn!

2009-10-30T23:21:00.001+11:00

Despite feeling super tired and sniffy last Thursday, I just really look forward to the Sugarspokes ride.

Cos it's nice and happy. The sun sets on a fresh Spring afternoon, you're riding and they're riding and that's the simple arrangement.

(Oh, and I've always liked the slightly reptilian finish to these catlike helmets, with a not too unnatural shape that fits nicely on the head.)

stay home and study for exams?

2009-10-29T23:33:00.005+11:00

Nah... Go riding instead. I wish I'd had my priorities straight at that age.

colour spunk meets black and white friends

2009-10-28T23:15:00.000+11:00

sam you is

2009-10-28T06:45:00.000+11:00

My eyes are about dropping out of my head with tired, and I have a relatively large backlog of sweetpeas in stackhats which I have not yet uploaded, but I had to get this up....

Because I ran into Sam this morning on my way to work and she was:

a. Wearing a heart breaker helmet. From K-freaking-Mart no less.

b. Riding this totally spunky blue bike (note the polka seat detail) with a surprisingly well-accessorised milk crate. Normally I hate bike crates. But I am trying to hold in this prejudice. Because in principle I don't know why storage/carriage should annoy me so much. This, however, is a matching milk crate. Holding a great leather briefcase. Two points.

c. Practically already dressed for the tweed run (which I have on good authority will be occuring at the end of the BFF) including pussy-bow blouse (yah, a "blouse") and little red shoes.

This totally made my day.

serious about sport

2009-10-27T22:50:00.001+11:00

(and brownies). That's the word on the street.

Despite my guttertrash heckling, I thought it was ten shades of magic watching everyone have a good crack getting round the velodrome. Big ups to Brendon for sharing his time.

while waiting for the glue to set...

2009-10-27T22:05:00.006+11:00

on my tire patch, I find a little time to test the face paint for Fridays' Death Becomes Her ride.

Now, I'll work on the chin line (always a weak technique for me with respect to makeup application) but basically I'm a-looking forward to it. Giddy up. I won't win most original costume or fastest spook on wheels, but it'll be the first time I've ever dressed up for Halloween. Or even noticed the date at all. I feel bad for my Canadian ex who desperately tried to get me into the whole celebration (what is it celebrating again?). I really let them down. If only they'd known to combine the silly holiday with bikes. I'd have been right there.

Sadly though, I'm double booked for Cup Day and won't be able to attend the Ride Bikes Not Ponies event, which seems like a really nice idea. I'm going to be at my house, having a competition with my (male) friend to see who can apply the most fake tan, perfecting the deep orange colour that I shall hereafter refer to as Burnt Barbie Glow which is often spotted around Melbourne this time of year.

Doesn't mean you can't go though.

*PS is there anything chemically risky with dying your skin green on Friday then orange on Monday and trying to have it scrubbed back normal for work on Wednesday? Or is it just socially wrong? Like are you just some misplaced Oompa Loompa?

almost forgot!

2009-10-26T19:41:00.000+11:00

Just at the end of RTB I chased down this silver fox. I tells ya. Not enough senior stylers out there.

the pot of gold?

2009-10-25T22:32:00.001+11:00

Or just the leprechaun?

this woman is not a dentist

2009-10-24T10:28:00.003+11:00

But we still can't show you her face.

Which is a real pity. Because she was rolling a pretty sweet ride. A nifty ladies single speed, retro fifties style in a great go-faster red. She was also wearing a crazy black and white outfit, with great cutaway sections on her top creating this amazing geometric effect over her big old shiny cruiser. Topped with a matching red helmet and lipstick to boot. And she herself was no poke in the eye.

But we still can't show you her face.

Because, unfortunately, she was sneaking past a stationery tram, almost knocking over an unsuspecting commuter (me) and saving herself a good three seconds on her journey.

And depriving you all of her hotness. Sad but true.

don't forget...

2009-10-22T14:42:00.002+11:00

The Reservoir Dolls are taking on the Dead Ringer Rosies in the next VRDL Halloween themed derby spooktacular.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

7:00pm - 10:00pm
Puckhandlers Sports Complex
Blake Street, Reservoir
Melbourne, Australia

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

pedal to produce

2009-10-22T14:19:00.003+11:00

Okay, this isn't technically a helmet wearing shot, but they're holding them... and that's close enough for me.

And I've been meaning spruik this ride, because these guys are smiling so widely because they're doing a Pedal to Produce ride and I love this idea, rail trail bike rides that connect you to local producers, winemakers and orchards in regional Victoria.

Kind of food/ride/food/ride/drink/ride/drink/ride/sleep.

Check it out if you have time. Like when you're doing getting your wheels anodised and wearing skinny jeans and being busy in the city, then you can go eat and ride and eat and ride and look happy like these people do.

luck o' the irish

2009-10-21T10:59:00.000+11:00

See that beard?

See how the helmet just sets it off?

Like - dude - my beard is so NK* I need to contain it.

I see this and I wish I could grow facial hair. And for it to be socially acceptable.

*Ned Kelly

round the bay - what the hey?

2009-10-20T13:04:00.006+11:00

I'm lying on the couch feeling sick and pathetic on the most beautiful day in forever so I figure, better make myself useful.

I haven't posted in a few days and I'm a touch ashamed, since I've accosted the odd person in the last week and not yet uploaded their photo (honest folks, sometimes it's not because you're not smokin', but because I've taken a crap shot of you and half your face is out of the frame, or the cord's in the way, or some sign is growing out of your head and no one wants to see that).

Anyways. I did the 100km Round the Bay on the weekend and was really looking forward to it. 100km is absolutely the longest distance I've ever ridden and if you knew me in high school you'd agree that the idea of me even attempting the RTB - even the shortened distance - is a psychological stretch for a woman who deliberately scheduled oboe lessons to coincide with P.E. for more than three years. I didn't even enjoy playing the oboe and I was really crap at it, but at least I hated it less than sport.

I was raised in a household where it was stated that there were only two fundamentally stupid sports and one of them was cycling. My dad used rev the car behind cyclists track standing at the lights to try and scare them into falling off. So I've come a long way considering.

And I was not disappointed. The weather was light and cool, with a bit of breeze mid-morning and some sun in the afternoon. We had a good crew, some taking it seriously, some less so. Though the last 30kms were definitely less fun than the first, there's no getting around the fact that I Really Enjoyed An Organised Sporting Activity.

Having clocked Sabrina at over 45km/h spinning down the hill on her fixed gear, legs moving in a freakish cartoon blur, I appreciated doing it freewheel. With two brakes. I've come a long way. But not that far. Then I watched her smash it at Roller Derby. Nuts.

The only downside for me in an otherwise top rocking day was that there were hardly any attractive helmets.

I don't mean this in a mean way, because people were obviously tired and sweaty and wearing crazy fashion abominations designed to keep them warm at four in the morning waiting for the bus and still going strong in the afternoon with the sun shining and Eye of the Tiger playing in their heads as they pulled into Alexandra Gardens.

For a crowd of some 15,000 people there were an astonishingly large number of magpie cable tie lids and even some completely wrong arrangements with toy dinosaurs and dumb palm trees glued onto helmets. I'm probably going to find out later that Team Mega-Sore-Arse raised heaps of money for the good people at the Smith Family and feel really bad about this, but they were frugly helmets. And why anyone would want to wear those rainbow novelty wigs for a really long bike ride, I'll never know.

Just when I was about to give up hope, amongst the total traffic debacle of the last 5km, I spy with my little:

(photocredit: ms sabrina s)

A hand decorated skate helmet.

Melt.

big helmets, little helmets

2009-10-16T23:54:00.006+11:00

We lost a good soldier along the way, but even the rains couldn't (completely) deter the dedicated few. We had to take a couple of rain/hail breaks, I fell over straight onto a bollard for some inexplicable reason, and apparently vodka, borscht and tears require you to get off the bike in order to have a drink, but we made it in the end. I believe it was the motivation of dumplings/Whip It that keep us going.

Having set my expectations realistically medium, the movie was actually extremely entertaining. It had considerable warm heart, rad tatts, low cut tees, lady-biffo, "there til the end" friendship and the best underwater teen make-out scene I've seen in ages.

Admittedly, I believe that after two hours of freezing wetness, the act of being dry, warm and out of the weather with a full belly, a bag of chocolates and good friends would have been more than enough to ring my bell.

avoid a skate of emergency

2009-10-14T10:25:00.004+11:00

Meet me at the movies - 9.15pm at the cinema that bears no name.

I'll be there a bit round 9.00pm.

(Photocredit: strangejourney / Photosource: victorian roller derby league)

a bright spark!

2009-10-14T09:00:00.006+11:00

Yesterday was - weatherwise at least - a bit crap. Grey, grey, grey, and all happening in the defeated, chilly, windy "wasn't it just Spring?" kind of a way.

Because I am a fair weather cyclist (I'm ashamed, but it's true, and I don't want you to see me on public transport one day and feel all betrayed), I was standing at the tram stop and staring wistfully at the dedicated - but largely freezing group of passing cyclists.

Suddenly, out of the grey, popped Alice, smiling and weaving delicately round the cars, looking for all intents and purposes like it was the sunniest, best day ever for a ride and that she had either Babka escargots or tickets to Bjork in her handbag.

Which is, I guess, what you get for taking your new fixie with ultrapink accessories, apricot scarf and engine red helmet out for a ride on a who gives a frick about the weather day. Happy is hot in the best way.

can you make a bike version?

2009-10-13T23:23:00.003+11:00

More brown, less grey for my preference. Doubtful on the i-pod thingy.

But yes, Busyman, I'm planning an outfit already. And you should too.

I have already mentioned (read: spread further rumour) the ride to a man who rides a penny farthing. And anyone with a really really great moustache.

Tally ho.

rumours I am prepared to start

2009-10-13T18:04:00.004+11:00

Apparently, this year's Bike Film Festival might just include itself a Tweed Run. Some time maybe round the end of the festival...

Wouldn't that be nice?

(Photocredit: tinyhonkhas / Photosource: Boston Tweed Ride Flickr)

what some other helmet saw

2009-10-13T10:58:00.003+11:00

Sadly, my current technological skills/time are limiting me from editing down the ride footage from Fix Up Blah Blah. I fear this whole helmet-cam thing is destined to be yet another of my dilettante endeavours. I'll try not to jinx it beforehand.

This can tide you over instead. Once, a very strange long time ago, I was the world's shortest lived assistant-assistant-roadie/groupie/merch-desk/bus-weight for this band, the Haggard (now no longer), due to being in love with the drummer. This is a super 8 music video for their "For Matthew Shepard" by lovely Kirsten Kuppenbender.

I don't know why the synchro swimmmers are there, but I like it.

be my date?

2009-10-12T17:32:00.005+11:00

If you're free on Thursday evening, I'm going to Hoyts Melbourne Central to see Whip It.

Naturally, the extremely helpful people at said mega-corporation are unable to tell me when the movie will be actually be on. Apparently, because new movies are released on a Thursday, the timetables are only released on the Wednesday before. This was news to me, but I guess I don't go to the cinema very often. But I live in hope that it's somewhere around nine pm. After the Sugar Spokes ride and a big plate of dumplings.

I'll be the girl with her helmet on inside the cinema.

BYO elbow pads.

ever wonder...

2009-10-09T16:55:00.005+11:00

What your helmet sees?

Me freaking too.

So - last week, I tried to find out...

Cue drum roll.... Helmet Cam!

To be completely honest, there are a few downsides to experiencing life as a helmet. It's not all checking out cute bikes and waiting for the next sunny day. "H-cam" was more than a little tricky to operate, since it's virtually impossible to tell if the damn thing is on without taking your helmet completely off and staring deeply into the lens. The resulting footage is terrifying and I, for one, never need to see up my own nose again. Or the noses of various friends I asked to do likewise. Oh, and the nifty rubber backed head attachment thing actually covers up all the air vents round the front of the helmet making you physically hot too.

Adding to these various downsides, you also look like a total dork with a camera on your head.

Still. Never let it be said I'm not willing to empathise with an inanimate object.

When I work out how to cut down half an hour of people's butts down into about, maybe, um, 20 secs, I'll even pop up some footage. For those considering a career as a helmet.

get your diaries out...

2009-10-08T23:38:00.002+11:00

Now.

Ride for this poster alone.

poland's loss, our gain

2009-10-04T23:55:00.005+11:00

Fresher than a Żubrowka Appletini on a hot summer day.

Sadly, it's currently obscured by the helmet, but Sabrina gets my vote for Best Fringe On Day.

so you were in the "team" photo

2009-10-04T23:48:00.004+11:00

But I was enjoying the scenery.

Nuff said.

the midas touch

2009-10-04T23:32:00.007+11:00

Metallics are so right now.

Oh yeah. And I'm perpetually impressed by men who pull off George Michael stubble, a swathe of tattoos, an agressive ride style and still seem like they'd be nice to their mothers. I do not believe these men are required to smile to bake my noodle. Consider my noodle baked.

Among my current favourite "imaginary helmets" is a very slick black helmet (a lotta air, lean profile) with a delicate gold fan of colour emerging from the temple over the right side. A little "go faster" eighties glam.

In the mean time, this golden ticket is plenty sweet enough for me.

lopsided lurve

2009-10-04T23:20:00.004+11:00

If there is one thing I love more than a lopsided smile (I had a "special friend" who had a similarly off-centre grin and it always made me melt), it's a lopsided smile under a silver helmet reflecting a perfect blue sky.

How excellent also to see some rad Asian spin action. Fixed gear riders are not all white. Freaking excellent. Better than finding a mixed tape from your high school best friend in the glovebox of your dad's car which still has a tape player.

When I work out how to make friends with these ladies, I'll introduce you.

what's new pussy cat?

2009-10-04T22:56:00.004+11:00

I wouldn't describe myself as much of an alley cat.

I'm more of a mainly lying sleepy in the sunshine on warm concrete kind of cat. From time to time, I'm a flash of mottled fur down sweet suburban streets. Usually in search of food. Hardly an alley cat.

But, today - I made an exception. The sun was shining, the clouds scudded lazily across a blue sky and the air smelled of spring. I even forgave Daylight Savings for stealing my hour sleep. With a fresh pair of toe straps from Busyman Bicycles to match my well-loved saddle, I figured that perhaps Team Handsome's fatalistic optimism might rub off, if not improve my team's chances of winning.

And there's no sense bitching that the bike scene's all about the boys, if you're totally unprepared to give it a go at least once. Thanks Z for the encouragement to Fix Up and Look Smart.

For the record, I had a great time. Despite my team ditching me for the carpark photo (what? you say I was downstairs scoping some lid... !) I have to say it was a sweet roll. Nice prizes too, for those so motivated. Ta heaps to the organisers.

ladies who - bring the sunset glow

2009-10-04T22:51:00.004+11:00

Doesn't it just warm the sub-cockles? All those helmets.

Regular Thursday afternoon ride, look out for it on fixed, under the meets section.

winners wear helmets

2009-09-28T21:09:00.004+10:00

Just a little congratulations for Mr Evans at the 2009 World Championship Mens Road Race. Wearing a helmet the whole way.

Worth watching alone for Phil's gorgeous shut down around 1:19 ("Are we allowed to support as commentators?").

I do believe that the entire marketing department from the City of Great Geelong just wet their pants. In a good way. If there is a good way.

glad you asked...

2009-09-27T23:55:00.000+10:00

"I need a new helmet (bike). Where to go? Is there a purveyor of fine helmets in Melbourne?"

Hmmm...

In a word, no. But there are options.

Though it sucks to have to answer a question with more questions - to be honest, I've had a v busy weekend (apparently there was a "grand" final on) so I can't fully explore this terribly important question right now. So... what I'm wondering is:

1. How hot do you want/expect to look?
2. What shape is your head?
3. What kind of riding do you do?
4. Do you "need" it to match your bike?
5. Do you have some sort of crazy rig?
6. With anodised gold rims?
7. Or are you just trying to prevent brain injury?
8. Both?
9. What's your reasonable budget?
10. Do you shop online?
11. If not, are you prepared to cross the Yarra?
12. Is your style icon a. Lance Armstrong, b. Steve Peat, or c. Punky Brewster. (I vote c. but don't let me influence your choice.)

In the mean time, I'll go to sleep then put my thinking helmet on tomorrow and get back to you.

Fair warning though, I very rarely enter a bike store and see this sort of thing (see image below from the upside down margot fonteyn),

None of these are actually 100% my style, but - at the same time - I hold a particular envy of motorcycle helmet choice.

seems hollywood has received the memo

2009-09-24T21:33:00.001+10:00

Just when you believe the message is being lost, that you're all alone in a wilderness, that life is simply a tundra of alienation and you and your stupid dreams, well, they're nothing, then suddenly from this cactus-strewn hell, comes a beautiful soft voice whispering in your ear, lips gentle on your skin, letting you know "if you build it... they will come".

And lookee-here! I was picking up my morning coffee (okay, not coffee for anyone who actually knows me, but hot chocolate sounds so freaking lame and I'll get back on the good stuff any minute now) and guess what I saw -

What a combination. Smart-mouthed, alabaster-skinned, knobbled-knees, emo-cred fascination... Ms Ellen Page AND MULTIPLE HELMETS.

Bring it.

Nah, Whip It.

(Swear, they don't play the Devo song during this film at some point, and I'm honestly going to question the value of such a naff film title - however, at this stage, I'm spending my hard earned for this puppy on basis of the lid count in the promos alone.)

You may also care to watch the clip. They had me at "alternative to what?" but having remembered fondly schlepping out to Reservoir to watch Victoria's own women's roller derby league teams fighting it out to be the second best of two teams, I was in. Good times kids. Good times.

And, if the winsome/snippy/geek-glasses delight of Ms Juno don't really ring your bell, then there's the surprisingly un-hateable Drew Barrymore (trust me, I've tried), and Juliette Lewis (for those of us old enough), inevitable shots of women punching, a high probability of a montage scene and (did I mention?) plenty of lid popping action.

I see this helmet and...

2009-09-23T00:57:00.000+10:00

I hear Tina Turner's "Simply the Best". Perhaps with Rod Stewart doing back up vocals. Bryan Adams does a searing guitar solo. Beyonce is dancing. She's wearing that leotard thing.

Actually, that's just my normal life.

When I see this helmet, I feel happy on the inside.

Even more happy because he made it himself.

Possibly, the only think I like more than helmets is homemade helmets.

Actually, that is a lie too. I hate those magpie deflecting cable tie helmets. They are the recumbent of head wear.

What this proves is nothing is true.

Except, I love this helmet.

the dilemma

2009-09-23T00:43:00.001+10:00

In another off-line conversation, someone mentioned that this site has few bikes upon it. I know this. It's intentional. There's plenty more out there with plenty more interesting things to say about actual bikes than me. I won't clutter up the e-ther with my bike nonsense. I'd only have to steal commentary from some other bike blog.

The dilemma this raises, however, is when someone is outshining their helmet with their bike.

Case in point - Stu. Now, don't get me wrong. You unwrap your Christmas present and this pops out of the box, you don't ask for the receipt. Crinkly smile, bit of Lance-advertising, and a top so white only a grandmother could have laundered it. No complaints from my perspective.

However, if you want to look for Stu's Falcon on Shifter Bikes, you realise you're missing out a little not seeing the whole rig.

That said, you have to have standards. Even if they're flimsy.

late night rolling and rambling

2009-09-23T00:28:00.000+10:00

So, I've just come back from a lovely, late-night ride. (Aside: for those who've never tried it -do. It's such a great feeling: no traffic, no crazy pedestrians, no nutsy commuters. Just long stretches of quiet and off-peak light sequencing. Don't be tempted to stuff in your i-pod, just listen to the throat clearing of an old Landcruiser coming up behind, and revel in the silken chill of passing a park or a creek somewhere between where you live and nowhere in particular.)

But what, pray tell, was I doing out for a ride at this time of night?

Well may you ask.

I was, bizarrely, feeling motivated.

Someone mentioned that they were not seeing much "sausage" on this blog (her language not mine), so I scooted out to DISC to watch a little velodrome action in the search of suitable "sausage" in helmet. I was not disappointed. Look at that: 50% of Team Handsome. Who says cycling's an unfriendly, lady-alienating sport?

proof of the power

2009-09-22T23:49:00.000+10:00

Of both helmets and the internet.

1. We have a submission from PNG. Yep, that's right, Papua New Guinea. The world's least known cycling destination (predominantly due to the lack of surfaced roads and safe cycling circumstances). And you thought you were tough. This man is genuinely hot because, having lived and worked in this sunshine spot of the world, I can guarantee you it's at least eighty percent humidity and a sweet thirty three degrees. Satan himself complains about the heat in PNG. And, although it technically deviates from my interests, in being "hot" rather than "hot", I'm picking up what he's putting down.

Please forgive the low res picture, PNG is also not a place for sending large files. So I understand.

2. Tonight's second exhibit is the lovely Brynne Gordon, at last night's Brownlow Medal. I don't want to get too far into it, but I believe, in my heart of hearts, that this outfit might actually have been improved had she been wearing a helmet. In fact, had she brought her own road bike, she could claimed that she got lost on the way to a shoot for Chicks and Bikes. In 1973.

At the very least, a solid Giro could have helped protect her from the catty comments that were no doubt being through her way by the sundry WAGS who Had Tried To Look Classy Thank You Very Much.

remember when I said, "be careful what you wish for"?

2009-09-21T20:49:00.000+10:00

Well now I know what I was talking about. God damn... This just about busted my inbox.

Just when I was wishing for a bicyle lady in a skull helmet, she tops with.... a skull-lady in a bicycle helmet.

October 30 can't come soon enough. I do have a broom stick, but I'm having trouble working out how to attach it to my bike. And, curiously enough, someone left behind several fake moustaches at a party at our house a while ago and now I've a hankering to wear one. Incognito.

But this! It's like La Calavera Revolucionaria (see below) decided to ditch the gee-gee and upgrade to a bicycle before unleashing unholy havoc for this year's Dia de los Muertos. Right after this glass of bubbles.

Surreal. Incomprehensible. Freaking excellent.

Image from Posada’s popular mexican prints. 273 cuts by José Guadalupe Posada. Selected and edited by Roberto Berdecio and Stanley Appelbaum (Dover Publications, Inc, New York, 1972)

someone give that girl a baguette

2009-09-20T21:46:00.000+10:00

So frenchy, so chic.

oh she looks fresh and healthy now...

2009-09-20T21:25:00.000+10:00

But don't be fooled! Come Friday 30th of October, death will become her...

Look out for the all-girls Halloween Alley Cat: Death Becomes Her.

Ride in pairs, get scary, get cycling.

Save the date.

seventies specs-tacular

2009-09-20T21:17:00.000+10:00

I always wanted curly hair. This is why.

justine rocks a signal like no other

2009-09-20T21:05:00.000+10:00

It's a dying art. Lucky we have master craftspeople out there like Justine. See that, she's stopping.

So great. No need to crash into the back of her, or wonder what the hell is going on. Sigh. Remember how much fun traffic school was? The mini-lights? The painted policemen?

Back when the world was good.

sometimes I love geek glasses so much, I wish for worse eyesight

2009-09-20T20:59:00.000+10:00

Then I remember my mother saying, "be careful what you wish for".

But I do lurve these glasses. They say, "I know what happened to Punky Brewster - Just ask me."

two justines for the price of one!

2009-09-20T20:48:00.000+10:00

When I see this, all this friendly bike helmet body language, I am reminded of the HG Wells' quote:

"When I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race."

Me neither.

ladies who leisure

2009-09-20T20:03:00.000+10:00

Having nothing much better to do (truly, what is better to do?) I went for a sweet Sunday ride today. Actually, I went for two but why let the truth stand in the way of a good story?

Lucky for me, I was not alone - as someone more organised than I had already tee'd up a "short and sweet leisurely ride for the ladies". Who am I to resist an advertisement as appealing as this one? Does this not say, "team your lid with lipstick"? I think so.

Gratefully, a few others got the memo also.

Naturally, all ladies were stacked (in the stackhat sense of course) and a good time was had by all. An easy roll, but a taste of things to come and the sun stuck around for all to reach the ultra-allergy friendly cafe in fine spirits. Nuff said. There may be more planned, so feel free to contact misstuppence@gmail.com if you're feeling like a ride. And you are a lady. Or perhaps a lady boy. I think both are acceptable. It seemed an open-minded bunch.

One thing to mention:

I have noticed from time to time that, on a group ride (single ladies or mixed business), members of the general public can get a little unsettled. As if, somehow, the mere act of riding in a group bigger than say, two people, was inherently bizarre. Sometimes this is "good bizarre" and people stare or wave and are generally happy to engage with a group of strangers in a reasonably nice way. No one throws rocks.

Other times, however, there is this utterly inexplicable feeling of antagonism - as if you were representing a new, crazy-left, bring down the social order political party whose sole mission was to disrupt the holy order of the way things should be. These folks see twenty ladies on bicycles travelling at under 20km an hour and consider them an outrageous traffic hazard or a group of hooligans or simply mental and may be motivated to yell things at them from the safety of their speeding vehicles.

Case in point - the total moron who yelled "get back in the kitchen" at our group today (truly a very benign collection of good-spirited, capable of a hand signal or two, liable to using SPF 30 and being nice to their grandmothers type gals).

I won't run into too many details but, suffice to say, if you see this man - do not have sex with him. Ever. It is the least he deserves.

for the divine ms m

2009-09-19T11:04:00.000+10:00

Though I cannot rightly imagine her actually wearing this, Ms M has a dreadful obsession about skulls and me, helmets... So. Skull for thought. What a combination. Looking forward to seeing you in your helmet.

going to the source

2009-06-11T00:02:00.000+10:00

Anything I say here is guaranteed to be naff-tastic, because this is my fella and I reckon he's tops.

poncho hottie

2009-05-06T15:25:00.000+10:00

Typically, I do not approve of a poncho. Let it be publicly known, I actually think that ponchos are, to be honest, a bit silly. What's more, on a bike at least they may even be a little bit dangerous. God knows it would be an embarrassing way to crash out, sucked under your own wheels by your poncho. And still, this lady looked really cool, just cruising away with this fantastically silly poncho and all this Yoko Ono hair and specs. Combined with a helmet, I guess what we're seeing is that I'll forgive anything.

Poncho update: Ironically, I ran into this lovely lady recently at the Rose St Markets, where we were both holding stalls. She, it would appear, is also a fantastic seamstress who makes these gorgeous, slip-nothing frippery ladies camisoles and boxers. These are not good for riding in, however, I believe that if someone, initially attracted to your helmet, then took you home to "peel your banana" down to said lingerie, they would not be disappointed.

Check it out at: http://www.naomilingerie.etsy.com/

lady in red

2009-04-27T20:26:00.000+10:00

Very awkwardly, I ran into this lady outside a gallery, strapping into a very cute bike. Naturally, it was hugely uncomfortable because she was the first person I ever propositioned to let me have their helmeted hotness.

I then ran into her about four times in the week following this snap. So very random. I wrote her name down somewhere "important", so of course I've lost it. Better to protect the innocent anyway.

What struck me about her was her great, leached out look, bleached hair, bleached skin, pale lips, like she was just about to turn into a black and white punk shot.

safer sexy

2009-04-27T16:44:00.000+10:00

Now, someone had to start this party right (snort!). I think what we're witnessing is a blog I'm officially not going to be able to show my mother. Luckily, she'd always wear a helmet. Phew.